A Free Piece of Ass
—no free lunches ...
I used to work with a guy who was always insisting that there was no such thing as free piece of ass. It was like a theme song with him.
He was always saying it because he was always involved with someone (sometimes more than one at a time), and relationships between the sexes are rarely, if ever, smooth.
I also had a boss who expressed the very same sentiment, but with some very different language. It was colorful to say the least.
I will never forget the first time I heard the phrase pour from his lips. It was in response to the commiserating of another employee about the problems he was having with his ex-wife (specifically with respect to alimony).
The boss was on the phone with him, patiently listening to him expound upon his troubles when he erupted forth with the unforgettable response, "Well, that's the fuckin' you get for the fuckin' you got."
Now the boss offered this advice with the utmost sincerity, because he himself was walking the tedious and infamous alimony road.
I suppose it's true. There really is no such thing as a free piece of ass (any more than there is a free lunch). Somehow or other, financially or emotionally, you end up paying for it.
Unless of course the piece of ass isn't worth anything.
And what do I mean by that?
Well, it all has to do with taste, aesthetic preference. There seem to be certain standards in our culture that everyone is somehow tuned into.
Men have a way of describing women in terms of real estate. Just as certain properties are deemed as more valuable than others, so are women.
As an example, consider the Jessica Simpson type.
Most everyone would agree that she is a valuable piece of real estate. (Remember, I am not necessarily talking about Jessica Simpson per se. I'm talking about her type.)
If a guy meets a girl that resembles Jessica Simpson, he is likely to describe her as being high maintenance, which is just another way of saying that she is an expensive piece of ass.
By contrast, if he were to meet a not-so-attractive woman, one (let us say) a little on the plump side, with plain features and so on, he is liable to think of her as a piece of ass that isn't worth so much. Yes, he would place a value on it whether he would recognize that he were doing it or not. It is what men do.
The concept of women being property has not faded from our psyches. We still think of certain women as being more valuable than others.
If a guy were to get a piece of ass from a woman who was considerably less desirable than the Jessica Simpson type, he would very likely not think of it as a free piece of ass.
In fact, in many cases like this the guy does indeed get a free piece of ass, the woman giving it up doing so because she is not, in all probability, the kind of woman who would otherwise get much attention.
She would give it away for the attention that she would receive. That attention would be her payment (as opposed to the payment of a lifetime commitment a more desirable piece of ass could command).
This is of course an exception. When men say that there is no such thing as a free piece of ass, they are not referring to women like this. It is as if they don't count. They are too far below the standard to matter in this way.
There is a special way that men talk about women with respect to getting a piece of ass from them. They say that women are fuckable (or not). So when the phrase, "There's no such thing as a free piece of ass," is tendered, the piece of ass referred to is always associated with a fuckable babe (preferably a totally fuckable babe).
This is implicit. It does not have to be stated. Everyone just sort of understands that this is the message.
There is an important question that comes to mind when dealing with a subject like this. Namely, why is there no such thing as a free piece of ass?
The answer to this question is wrapped up in the whole idea of value, which is something that nearly everyone can identify with. Who wants something that is completely without value? Something that is for all intents and purposes worthless?
Needless to say, it is difficult to imagine that anyone would want such a thing. Would anyone want a worthless piece of property? No way. Homeowners are constantly looking for ways to enhance the value of their property. Television shows abound with suggestions for doing same.
In brief, there is no such thing as a free piece of ass because men don't want there to be such a thing, in spite of their protestations to the contrary.
They might say that they would like such a thing, but if it ever happened they would balk. They wouldn't trust it. They would suspect that something underhanded was under way.
It would be the same as if someone were to offer us a piece of property for free. Imagine a scenario in which such an offer might be made. Our heads would be immediately swimming with a whole list of doubts.
"Why is this property free?"
"What's the catch?"
"Is there some nuclear waste buried on it?"
"What's in the fine print for this give-away? Do I have to offer my soul to the Devil, or what?"
We would never be able to relax and enjoy the property if we did not somehow have to pay for it. The act of paying for it is what allows us to assure ourselves that it is really ours and not somehow someone else's.
We seek ownership, sole proprietorship, exclusivity. And how could we truly appreciate these things if there were no work involved?
Basically, men do not respect women who do not somehow make them work for their sexual favors.
No such thing as a free piece of ass? Thank God. I can't imagine what a grim and drabby world it would be if there were such a thing.
December 20, 2009