RITUALS

I've been thinking about rituals lately. We perform them all the time, usually without so much as a conscious thought. Every time we say hello, for example, we’re engaging in a ritual.

I have mixed feelings about them. From one perspective, they seem, well, useful, but from another point of view, completely unnecessary.

Take saying hello, for example. I agree that it is at least functional. It provides us with a starting point. It would seem strange to simply start talking without some kind of salutation. In this sense, a ritual is almost like setting the table before eating.

Although, when it comes to talking, we’ve all seen it take place without the seemingly obligatory salutation, especially in work situations. If you work around the same people long enough, offering a greeting all the time becomes tiresome. Everyone just sort of understands.

But the saying-hello-and-good-bye rituals are small potatoes. It’s the big ones that really get to me, like marriage ceremonies.

There are three things that make us married:

what we do with our mate

what we do with the government, like file a marriage certificate with the courthouse.

what we do with other people, like engage in a ritual

Of the three, the first one, what we do with our chosen partner, is by far the most important. Number two on the list, establishing the legality of the union, ranks second in importance and the ritual is - by far - the least important.

Compared with what we do with our partner, the purely social bonding ritual is insignificant beyond description. Let's put it this way: There wouldn’t be a ritual without the relationship, but there could most definitely be a relationship without the ritual. (There could also be a relationship without a legal record of it.)

Since marriage rituals are so insignificant, why do we so persistently and eagerly engage in them? What is the point of having a big party (in effect) for the sole purpose of broadcasting to the society at large that we are a unit? Is it really society’s business? To be sure, it may be in some sort of legal sense it’s business, like when it wants to sell us an insurance policy, or enroll our children in school, but beyond that I'm not so sure.

I suppose that some people are just more "showy" than others, more needful of attention. They actually like displaying to the community that they are now, at this point in time, a unit.

The bottom line is that rituals are a form of communication. We send signals with them. When we say hello we transmit a signal that says that we're ready to talk (at least, most of the time). When we orchestrate a marriage ceremony we send a much more complex message. It can say that we're all grown up, or that we're ready, willing and able to become a viable social unit, committed to making a contribution to society, as opposed to a wandering, roving roustabout, who is perceived as one who wants nothing to do with society.